Watching "The Hills" while on Ambien

It just makes it all the more real. I mean, LC has made a career out of people shitting on her. That's awesome. She constantly has her "someone shat on me pout". I can do that pout. I too am a victim of reality. Mine just happens to be behind a desk making cold calls for some stupid bullshit, while her reality is trying on bathing suits, meeting Marc Jacobs, drinking a lot of cranberry and vodkas, going to pool parties, maybe she voted on important issues (like the presidential elections...or maybe she had no idea what it was. Aubrey from Danity Kane voted- and I often get the two confused).

We are living two different worlds, yet I feel so close to her. She's totally like me. Let's keep shows like this going...because God knows that these slimeballs are the role models of tomorrow.

"If you leave me now, then speidi will take the best of me"...."whooo-whhhoooo speidi, please don't go".

This is terribly important. Why are none of these people in Obama's Cabinent?

Ambien during work hours?

Sure, why not? As long as you take the bus (and by "The Bus" I mean Jerome Bettis).

AMAs - Particularly Coldplay

I realize that when I am watching a television program while my ambien begins to "roll", images on the tv become a bit skued. Umm, what was Coldpay doing tonight on the AMAs? I thought that I was watching the band throw themselves into colorful wood chippers while humming. That probably didn't happen...but, something like it did. Sure as shit. I would hate to wake up tomorrow and learn that all of coldplay has been dispersed into a very colorful wood chip burlap sac.

I also have no idea what Miley Cyrus was doing. Is she an alien?

Weird shit is going down. Kayne wants to be Elvis.

Ambien Ain't the Devil - FoSho

I blame Ambien for a lot of things. Like, making me mistake my closet for my bathroom. Or, waking up in the morning with an empty casserole dish of last night's lasagna beside me. But, I do not blame Ambien for crashing my car on a freeway in New York. Oh, by the way...this douchebag's blood alcohol content was above .08 - legally drunk in New York. Hey CEO Asshole, go fuck yourself. Ambien ain't the devil.

Article courtesy of New York Post - November 17, 2008

November 11, 2008

Husband-pants came home from work to find me asleep on the couch. He said, "you should be in bed". To which, I sat upright and began bawking like a chicken.

Husband-pants: For real, go to bed

Me: Bawk-bawk-bawk

Husband-pants: Go to bed

Me: Bawk-Bawk!! Oh wait, I got a check in the mail today.

I ran to the kitchen table, picked up a pile of papers, ran into the office and threw them (like a bowling ball) under the desk. Then proceeded to bawk the remainder of the way to bed.

I received no check in the mail that day.

**this entry was written while on ambien. I'm getting better at it.

November 4, 2008 - GO VOTE!!!

Preface to this entry: I come from a Nascar-lovin', casserole eating, country family. Our entertainment revolves around watching sports and car auctions on tv. Think about that as you read the following.

My youngest sister (Sister-mouth for future reference) is in the process of planning her birthday party later this year. She called to discuss the details with me and I was on ambien.

Sister-mouth: We're going to have my party at Metro this year.

Me: What is the theme? You should have a theme.

Sister-mouth: Theme? No one has theme parties here.

Me: No, you should have a theme. Like, something French. How about a "Cirque du Soleil" party? That would be fun. You could have mimes and shit.

Sister-mouth: What are you talking about? The restaurant is nice, we can't have clowns there. The restaurant is like, Washington DC restaurant nice.

Me: Oh, do girls dance on the bar?

Sister-mouth: No, do girls dance on the bars in DC?

Me: Yes

Sister-mouth: Are you on ambien?

Me: Yes


Note: I hate Cirque du Soleil. I think it's creepy and usually involves a dwarf swinging from the rafters (or at least the show I saw did).

November 2, 2008

Last night, I was lying in bed with my husband before dozing off into ambien land. I looked at Husband-pants and said, "I think that you have a parrot on your shoulder. Wait, turn around. Yes, you have a parrot on your shoulder. You are a pirate. That's weird".

I then turned over fell quickly asleep. Obviously, sleeping with pirates does not frighten me. I welcome everyone into my bed.